Disclaimer: Notice the title reads "healthy relationships."
These concepts do not apply to abusive relationships or those lacking reciprocity.
We are never required to associate with those who are unhealthy or toxic for us.
This list relates to strong attachments which are rooted in mutual trust, love, caring, and understanding;
those for which repair can be achieved. If a relationship is without reciprocity, no amount of this list will mend it.
(1) Leaving hurt unspoken or without repair.
Relationships can feel quite emotionally unsafe when we hear that someone is hurt by something we said or did from several people except the person feeling offended. Then, to have the offended person act like nothing is wrong feels even more unsettling because the reaction is inconsistent with the emotional energy in the relationship. If left without repair, our relationship foundations begin to rust and erode. Thus, leaving hurt unspoken is incredibly damaging to the relationship, but we must remember to bring attention to our hurt in constructive ways which foster repair. Examples of constructive ways are detailed throughout this post.
(2) Criticizing, blaming, or defensiveness vs Inquiry, tenderness, and validation.
To truly foster repair, we must leave criticism, blame, and assumption (more on that later) at the door and replace them with inquiry. Further, we must also go back to what we know: We must remember a time when we felt hurt in order to put ourselves in the other person's shoes; as well as remember what we know about the person who offended us. Meaning, asking ourselves. "Would the person we know truly mean or intend what they said or did the way we took it?" This will help us do our best to afford grace and understanding so an effective repairing conversation can occur.
Naturally, this means the other party must leave defensiveness at the door and replace it with tenderness, concern, and validation. It's certainly difficult to hear that we've hurt someone. We may often go to shame, which can manifest as defensiveness. But we must love well in relationships. Loving well often means the practice of truly seeing and hearing others (aka validation and putting ourselves in their shoes) when they approach us with a hurt we've caused, even though it was unintentional. If we can do this, we can tally it as a relationship win.
Loving well sounds more like, "Oh my goodness; I'm so sorry. I did not intend hurt. I can certainly see how that could have been offensive. Please allow me to speak into where I was operating from in order to fully repair," and less like, "I didn't do that," or simply leaving the other person with, "I didn't mean to hurt you." When we're hurt, we need to know that the other person has put themselves in our shoes. We need to hear more from them than a simple, "I'm sorry," or gaslighting response like "I didn't do that." Moreover, it is most advantageous to avoid responses like, "Well now you're just telling me I'm a horrible person," or "I can't believe you would say that/think that; now our relationship will never be the same," or "Well if I'm so horrible, why ________?" when met with someone needing our repair.
We may find repair difficult to offer when we feel we did nothing wrong. However difficult it may be, healthy relationships exist when we see the humanity of the person before us and offer repair, rather than maintain we did nothing wrong, and therefore, it must mean the other person is the problem. Thus, loving well in relationships also means setting our pride aside to be able to recognize that, while we don't feel we did anything wrong, it is better to validate and apologize. This requires us to understand that apologizing does not equate to accountability or agreement that we committed a wrong. Rather, apologizing equates to a valid, "I see you in your hurt and hear you in your pain; I know what it's like to feel hurt. I can see how you would have felt that way."
Lastly, our body language and tone of voice is something to be mindful of when, either bringing up our hurt, or receiving someone feeling hurt by us.
(3) Expecting someone else to bring up our hurt to receive repair.
Further still, it is unrealistic and damaging to have an expectation that the other party be responsible for bringing up our individual issues or emotions. No one can know we're sitting in hurt and offense unless we bring it to their attention and respectfully (without criticism, blame, or assumption) require the necessary repair. It is wise to shed an attitude of, "If you love me or care at all, you'd just know what was wrong and you'd fix it." Unrealistic expectations - of any kind - do not belong in relationships.
Being that we’ve established it is unhelpful to place expectation for the other party to bring up our issues or emotions, it’s important to address that the very scenario does manifest. Going back to the first concept on this list, if the party who offended is empathic or sensitive to the emotional energy of the hurt party, they may sincerely ask, “Is anything wrong?” Or, perhaps, “It seems as though something is the matter. Have I offended you in any way?” When this plays out, and the offended party claims nothing is wrong, the relationship feels emotionally unsafe, and the balance thereof is delicate. A response which does not match the emotional energy creates a lack of trust and a sense of insecurity that festers which, if not addressed or repaired, will cripple or derail a relationship. A more appropriate response might sound something like, “Yes. I am feeling hurt. Thank you for asking. I’d rather not talk about it right now." This statement is true to one’s core integrity, conveys a lack of capacity, and plays a critical role in maintaining trust as the inquiry is met with truth. Once the offended party feels they have capacity to address it, they should circle back around to the issue - not expect the other person to do so. Mindfulness around process of time (shared in item six on this list) should be considered.
(4) Making or sitting in our assumption or conclusion without inquiry.
I think that it’s easy to have automatic judgments based off of our perceptions of a situation. Hands-down everyone does it. What feels unsafe and damages relationships is when we build a house there. Meaning, when we perceive something through our own lens, make a judgment call based on that perception, and then assume or conclude there is no other way the person who offended us could’ve meant something; or that our perception was the only reason the other person showed up in our relationship the way they did.
The problem with assuming and concluding that our perceived judgment is accurate is that nine times of ten we’re DEAD WRONG! Until we inquire, directly from the one who offended us - asking from what head-space or heart-space they operated from - to gain evidence from the source, we cannot know! We can only speculate or suspect. It's very important to remember that our feelings, perceptions, or automatic human-conditioned judgments, based on those feelings or perceptions, are not fact. Certainly, they are truth for, and specific to, us or our experience, but they cannot determine another's objective, position, opinion, or experience. It is irresponsible to place our own lens on another. Rather, we must do our best to respect and honor one another's experience (aka truth).
(5) Living in our assumption or conclusion houses by refusing evidence.
Further, by assuming and unequivocally concluding, we tend to never provide allowance for the other party to speak into something that offended us. They may try to explain and speak into the experience but if we live there, we are unable to receive their message. Sometimes, it means that we cut the person out entirely and never even afford them the opportunity. Either way, a huge disservice to the relationship is committed. We must set aside our automatic judgements and ask for clarification. Then, we must receive the message by allowing it to replace our assumptions or conclusions. Conversely, then, if we're on the other side, we must be truthful when clarification is asked of us in order to keep the emotional energy in balance.
(6) Misunderstanding that process of time looks different for everyone.
I feel it important to stress that grace and respect should be afforded for process of time. Circling back, with the intent to repair, should be invited, no matter how long ago something occurred. Hopefully, we haven't left an issue too long. However, space needs to be held for when we do because we may not have had the capacity for a repairing conversation over the course of several days or months. Further, we may not have even been aware we were triggered or hurt by something until the layers around the hurt are shed. The duration of time it takes to uncover it looks different for everyone. Once it is uncovered and brought to our conscious awareness however, we can remember the experience in great detail. This is likely due to what is time dilation during emotional trauma. I could get into both time dilation and trauma in separate blog posts. In the interest of this post, suffice it to say that when strong emotions are triggered, our brain stops time allowing us to remember what we experienced in greater detail. Applying this concept to circling back around, then, it is fair to say that the person we are bringing hurt to will likely not remember the experience the same. Not to mention they have their own lens so it's far more difficult to get repair. Therefore, the number one item on this list is to not leave things unspoken or unresolved. Even so, it is always better for a relationship that we circle back to communicate our hurt and/or that we invite others to do the same and receive them well when they do. Overall, it goes back to loving well: To love well in this case means we receive the person's hurt with truth, understanding and tenderness; or that we approach another with our hurt in the same way.
Honesty in this case may mean we respectfully communicate that we really can't remember the incident. On the other side, it means that we share our experience only and are careful to not accuse or get stuck in the content (the “you said/I said” or “you did/I did”). Some content can be helpful to find common ground so emotions can be received, seen, or heard. It's important to not get stuck there though. Honoring the hurt the person has conveyed to us shows understanding and tenderness; while on the other side, honoring that the other person will not remember the incident the same as us also shows understanding and tenderness.
Conversely, dishonoring process of time, sounds like “Why are you bringing up old stuff?” When we’re seeking repair - no matter how long ago we were hurt - a response like this is synonymous with a gut-punch. Likewise, responses that convey the other person should already be over the issue because we are also dishonor process of time. Our process of time rarely looks like another's.
With all of that said, I feel it necessary to make clear that I’m not saying it is acceptable to leave things for an unreasonable amount of time. What I am saying is that our process of time is not the same duration as another and, thus, requires grace when someone comes to us days, weeks, months - or even years - after an incident
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